KATY TRAIL & THE ALL MIGHTY MISSOURI RIVER

Heat indexes averaging 105 degrees, insane humidity, poison ivy, riding fixed with no brakes carry a shit ton of weight, thunderstorms, locals and massive flooding…and I had more fun than you can shake a stick at. Such a great time…forced brevity or not.

Thursday...

Mr. P, Ms. J and I arrived in Sedalia, MO via Amtrak train 311 at 12:01 in the afternoon. We rode a few miles through town to the fairgrounds in search of our campsite. With time to kill before Mr. MD and Mr. K arrived that evening around 8:30, we rode to an average Mexican joint for food and margaritas. Sufficiently overstuffed we headed to a gas station for booze and poop medicine, then back to the campsite until about 7:00. 7:00ish the three of us rode into town to hit up a bar, talk to some strangers and watch the most odd game of Risk being played, then met MD and K at the train station…grabbed a few more drinks back at the bar and then headed back to the campsite to let the two set up camp, where we made an ice and Busch fire.

Friday…

With 5 of the 7 of our crew in place, we headed out to start our trail adventures. Hitting the towns of Beamen, Clifton City, Pleasant Green, Pilot Grove, Boonville, Franklin, New Franklin and just shy of Rocheport we found our first hurdle…a closed trail, due to flooding with a detour on highway 40 to 240. With two behind us, and not wanting to ride the highway at night stung out on the open road, we figured it best to backtrack to Franklin to set up camp and wait for the others to arrive. Once in Franklin, Mr. P decided he was going to go find some pasta in town…and town is a term I’d use loosely here…he was chased back to the campsite by a pack of roaming pit bulls and a saint bernard, where the other two, Mr. C and Ms. L arrived shortly after rounding out our group at seven.

Hot and tired, a few of the others and I decided not to put up our rain flies since the chance of rain was minimal and the breeze, what little there was, would then be able to pass through the tents easier...Despite the heat and MD wandering throughout the site looking for a place to sleep other than his hot box of a tent, I fell asleep…only to be awaken a few hours late from torturess winds, lightning and the promise of a good ol’ fashioned thunderstorm. Luckily I got the rain fly up before the storm hit and I went back to bed, knowing my tent would be fine and dandy. P did not feel this way about his tent, so he lay face down with arms and legs spread out to keep it from blowing away while puddles gathered around him. The other five, afraid the trees would give way, took shelter in the bathroom until the storm passed. By the time the storm did finally pass about an hour or so later, K had moved his full tent into the bathroom where MD joined him and they slept ‘til morning in the stench of human feces.

Saturday…

Oh Saturday…well, the plan was to get to Tebbetts to a shelter run on donations and lay our weary heads. This did not happen…no. Everyone dried out and feeling good, we set out on our way hitting New Franklin…again, the highway 40 detour…which wasn’t bad at all and, super bonus, we met a nice lady selling vegetables, fruit and the best peaches I’ve ever eaten, Rocheport, Huntsdale, McBaine and Providence…which would be the last stop...for some…the less adventurous some that is. Providence had blocked the trail and had posted this section was closed ‘til Hartsburg due to flooding. Fine, great…but no detour signs or offerings of a way around. Stopped near the trail and obviously flooded area, we hydrated and assessed the situation with some of the locals coming down to check out the flooding…and the group split…

The less adventurous…
…and possibly the slightly more intelligent group consisted of Mr. MD, K, C Ms. J and L...everyone but me and P. This group sat a devised a plan, even chatted with a random geologist, though I’m not sure what rocks have to do with this, who drew a map in the dirt with a stick and talked of thunderstorms and raising flood waters. Long story short, Ms. J ended up hitching a ride to Colombia with a random fat dude obsessed with burning man, who apparently couldn’t fit into his shoes because of all of the flesh, and his hippie girlfriend…anyway, Ms. J hitched a ride to Colombia to get a Uhaul truck to pick up the others who were back tracking to McBaine and waiting her arrival. The plan was to drive the truck loaded with bikes around the flooding to Jefferson City, ditch the Uhaul and continue on to Tebbetts.

The adventurous…
This group consisted of Mr. P and myself. We pulled back the barricade and rode on to Easley. We found the first flooded area and could see the other side. P repacked his bike to get his gear up higher, we had a chat with a nice local woman and started walking our shit through the flooded trail. Water was knee high or so and we made it no problem. Riding only a short while, we hit a longer stretch of flooded trail, though we could still see the other side…so onward we went. A short while up we talked to some other riders who warned us of thunderstorms and the conditions ahead, so we went to check it out. This time, we could not see the other side…in fact as far as the eye could see was a rippling sheet of water, and judging by the surrounding vegetation the water was at least chest deep in the lower spots.

With a thunderstorm rolling in, no trail and no back roads, we decided to ride up the bluff on highway N and find a back road or worst-case scenario, hit 163 to 63 and ride into Jefferson City to eventually meet the others and continue on our way. With no idea how big of hill N actually was, we headed up as the thunderstorm dropped in. And as soon as it started raining, P got the first and only flat of the trip. Soaked, we found a spot on the shoulder to stop. Wind and rain raging, P decides he has to poop before we do anything. After he dumped in the rain, we set up what would later be known as Shanty Town to get us out of the storm. Shanty Town consisted of a For Sale sign, a tree, two dead branches, some trash bags, a tarp and a mud pit. Once we had somewhat of a shelter, P fixed his flat, I scouted the size of the hill to come and we waited out the rain.

With the storm passed, we realized we should probably get in touch with the others to let them know we weren’t washed out in the flood…but P had zero reception and I had broken my phone by this point. With a giant unknown hill, we though best to ride back down to where we knew his phone would work. At the bottom we met a nicer than life family who offered us a ride to the top of the hill…without us asking…and keep in mind, P is muddy as all fuck from Shanty Town, wearing short, short jean shorts and I am soaked with a muddy ass bearing a lot of surely offensive tattoos to a wholesome family. No matter to them, they welcomed me into the front of the truck with Mr. E driving, while his wife and two children were stuffed into the extended cab, P in the back with the bikes. And as promised we were taken to the top of the hill where we could call the other group. We thanked E and his family and rode up highway N to 163 to a small farm store, where we met up the others in the Uhaul. Up to this point, I would say this was the most fun day.

Back together as one group, we bought some well-earned beer and loaded seven people and seven bikes into the Uhaul. After looking over maps of the trail and maps of river and talking with trail conditions people, we were decidedly done…flooding across multiple additional areas in between us and Saint Louis, would prove the trail undoable, and we didn’t have the extra day(s) of riding for multiple detours. So, sad and defeated by the mighty Missouri, we drove to Colombia to drown our sorrows and crash at MD’s brother’s apartment.

Sunday…

Mr. MD was the first up and grabbed a ride back to Saint Louis with his brother. Mr. P and Ms. J booked two tickets on a train leaving from Jeff City, where they drove the Uhaul back and rode to the train station. K, C , Ms. L and myself hitched a ride with K and C’s father.

Monday...

Not waking up from camping, not riding…I spent the day at the DMV renewing my plates and replacing my phone.

Key learnings…

Plan your trip in the fall (we will be making another attempt).
Check river conditions (ie. Make sure flooding conditions are not comparable to 1993).
Seven people are too many to get motivated over numerous days.
Whatever crap you think you need…half it.
If you currently don’t, learn to enjoy unpredictability.

Awards…

Most purse-like bike bags…myself, but everyone was jealous of them and my packing skills.
Most likely to be mistaken for a patriotic lesbian…P.
Most versatile bike…MD, for essentially turning his stylish single speed into a beach cruiser.
Most likely to cook a Thanksgiving dinner with items held in panniers…J.
Longest stretch of trail covered by pedaling with one leg…C (3 miles).
Most naps taken on the trail…K
Least likely to complain…L, but in all fairness to the rest of us, I’m not sure I heard more than four sentences out of her.

Thanks to all who went…the most fun trip I’ve had in a long while.