NOW WITH NO PANTS NEEDED

Futil Design has a great series of modular luggage. Butt...apparently they're easier to carry with no pants as demonstrated in the rendering above. Now that's modern innovation...thanks Futil.

ITS THAT TIME OF YEAR

Yes, shitty Christmas music is in the air, and here with the sole purpose of making my ears bleed in anger. So I am happy to offer up this little ditty to you, in an attempt to combat the shit that will consume speakers nation wide for the next month. Without further ado, I give to you the Yobs with their sneering holiday-punk anthem...

C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE

Hard Lessons put on another fantastic show last night. Luckily I made it home with my underwear. There was a point there I thought about hurling them on stage in delight.

The opening band The Blakes, out of Seattle, put on a stellar show as well...they're kind of a dirty rock version of The Strokes...at least in my head, that's the sound I heard. Regardless, I'd highly recommend seeing them if you get the chance.

So after too many drinks at the show, a friend of mine accidentally called me. Lucky for me, I answered. Berated her. And I asked her to bring me McDonald's breakfast burritos into work this morning...and boy howdy they were awaiting for me upon arrival. Thank you breakfast fairy.

THE HARD LESSONS

Tonight at The Pageant. Doors at 7:00 show at 8:00. And just so you can't say I didn't warn you...your socks will be rocked off....so bring an extra pair.

*and yes, that is a midget drummer.

MY WIFE IS DEAD SO I'LL JUST PUSH THIS MANNEQUIN AROUND FOR A WHILE

Last night my stomach would not let me go to bed without Jack in the Box tacos...so I happily obliged and drove my hungered ass to the newly developed Jack in the Box on Lindell, which I hadn't been to yet. Tell you what kids, get there before they break in their fryers with shit and bugs, because it was probably the best JB I've had...and I wasn't even drinking. Even my burger was uncharacteristically delicious.

Now I know the tacos should have been the highlight of my trip, but they were definitely not...and I was really pulling for 'em. But an older gentleman, probably in his late fifties/early sixties, stole the show. He was walking east on Lindell and stopped at the intersection at Vandeventer where I was at a red light. He was pushing a small two wheeled grocery cart with the top half of a mannequin fully dressed in women's clothing positioned upright. In its/her lap sat a couple of plush animals. Pets perhaps...I'm not sure. Very creepy. Things got a little creepier when he noticed me staring (since I sure no one stares at his crazy ass) and he started to come up to my car. Luckily the light turned green and he was still a good three feet away. Because if there's one thing I don't want, its the crazy virus.

RECAP

Despite popular demand, Penthouse is closed and PTs does not have a Thanksgiving buffet on Thanksgiving night. Although, PTs did have some pretty thankful strippers....your welcome ladies.

Super Drunken Porno Breakfast was a bust (no pun intended). Little hint for your own breakfast endeavors...don't take your friend who is supposed to cook a shit load of food to the strip clubs and keep them out all night. However, purchased breakfast at a fine establishment with Bloody Marys is a close second to home cooked porn and eggs.

All day fire=awesome time and even awesomer hangover.

Two full days on the couch watching four seasons of Aqua Teen along with the Aqua Teen Movie is a fantastic way to sober up after a bender of a Thanksgiving weekend...I highly recommend it.

BAND OF THE DAY

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. This may sound like complete bullshit after you gamble away your rent (for the next few months) and pick up a nasty STD from a hooker, but it's long been a reality for the bands of Las Vegas. Case in point: The Dirty Babies.

Ask someone on the wrong side of the Nevada border what a Dirty Baby is and you're likely to get labeled as a pedophile. Ask the right person and you'll probably notice their eyes light up when they explain to you the wonder that is the Babies.

County Jail

SO I LEARNED A NEW WORD

tamp (tāmp) Pronunciation Key
tr.v. tamped, tamp·ing, tamps
To pack down tightly by a succession of blows or taps.

Now I know what you're thinking...not the most exciting of new words...I agree. In fact, I just thought the guy was mispronouncing "tap". Now, the context in which I learned this newfound wonder of the English language was actually quite amusing...

Tamp (verb): as in "I just took a shit in the bathtub because the toilet is broke, and I had to tamp the turd down the drain."

...ahh the little things.

WANNA BE COOL LIKE ME

Despite popular belief, its really actually very easy.

Start by listening to good music....here, try a little Gobblinz on for size...click em for funfilled minutes of entertainment.

Women in Love
London

MARK YOUR CALENDARS...PUT IT IN YOUR FANCY ASS IPHONE...WHATEVER

My buddy will be getting his masters...and this is his celebratory skating party. $10. Includes all the beer your little tummy can handle....and YES, we CAN skate and drink at the same time...HOORAY....contact me if interested.

See you in the rink...bitchfaces.

SUPER DRUNKEN PORNO BREAKFAST

What do you want to do the day after you stuff yourself full of turkey and spend all your money at the strip clubs....the answer my friend...get drunk at 10:00am and watch bad porno while you eat breakfast.

When is this fantastic event? I told you bitches...Friday, 10:00am, my place.

Let me know who is up for it...

CRANKS & SKANKS GIVING

Yesterday was the Cranksgiving ride put on by Bicycle Works. We rode a 20.6 mile route through the city and metro area to various grocery stores purchasing food at each stop which we would then donate at the end of the ride.

A little insight if you ride it next year...save the bigger purchases for the last couple of stops. By the end of the ride, I was begining to think I had purchased nothing but rocks and knives. Food box ends were protuding through every inch of my messanger bag into my back.

Though by no means am I complaining, I had a blast...and more importantly, it benefitted a group of people I don't even know.

Now skanksgiving, that's all about me. Strip club turkey dinner...strippers...I'm about to make it rain.

MY EARS LOVE ME

Now yours can too...your welcome.

go on, click it...Subhumans Fractured

WHY WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS

This weekend I will be Homeward Bound.

I'm kind of a bad son...I haven't been to my parent's since last Christmas, and I am beginning to think this depresses my mom a bit. So I'll be gracing her with my presence this weekend...and I can show her, her bad ass "MOTHER" tattoo on my chest, I know she'll be absolutely delighted.

Its not like I am opposed to going "home" every now and again, but (a) I hate driving, and (b) I didn't grow up in the town they currently live in, so I have no ties to the feeling of home, and I don't know anybody...plus, its a small town and I am a "fucked up looking city boy" to most of the residing towns folk (not that I really give a fuck what they think though, just sayin- I don't own a flannel shirt).

So STL I bid you farewell this weekend...miss me kids...not to worry, I'll be back on the lard's day.

I WILL WIN YOU STUPID GODDAMN MICE

I've been working for quite sometime now on completing my Super Robot Demon Mouse Killer 326 Model K, unfortunately though, it is not yet in working order.

Rather than work another 42 years on finishing it, Monday night I went out and bought 2 Tomcat mouse traps and some D-Con...fucking stellar choice on the Tomcat traps. This morning I joyfully threw a mouse carcus out of my window and on to the cool dark pavement.

Why out the window you ask? Two reasons. (1) Well, I was so eager to catch one of the bastards I didn't have time to modify the Tomcats with razor blades, and I wanted to make sure the little fuck head knew he was dead. (and B) I wanted to send a message to the other vermin...he's lucky I couldn't find a stick to display his ass. So fuck you mice...

I think there were two, so hopefully I'll catch his little friend soon so I round house him in the face. You hear that mouse...in the face.

YEP, JUST LIKE THE WIND

Oh happy days...I am able to ride my bicycle again, after what seems like forever. I had fucked up my groin...well actually someone fucked it up for me (no not in a crazy gang bang), but that's besides the point...I CAN RIDE.

THOROUGHLY CULTURED

Okay...let's recap the weekend.

Circus was in fact a whole lot cooler in my head. I quickly realized this went I went for another round of brews during the cat portion of the show (as in your crazy aunt's domestic cats, not lions and tigers oh my) and they were already cutting people off.

I earned super-best-friend-on-the-motherfucking-planet-bonus-points by attenting a church production of The Music Man...I think I am now saved from eternal damnation, because I was in god's house for over two and a half hours, although we all know god was killed by Santa's elfs...and his house was kinda more like a smelly gym than a home.

Realized I will be forever poor and lame when I attended a house warmning party in a mansion 35bijillion times bigger and cooler than my place.

Oh, and I further cultured myself at a glow-in-the-dark art opening at a new space just around the corner from Square One Brewery.

ADDICTED TO BAD IDEAS

My mom would be so pissed...

I came across this photo of one of the most intense tattoos I have ever seen. Not only did the guy have the balls to tattoo all over his fucking face, but it is scary as all shit.

Note the fly or whatever the fuck bug is on his neck...he's really thought through this all encompassing theme.

I bet he has a lisp or something fucked up that ruins his evil portrayal of a walking corpse as soon as he opens his mouth...or he works at Pier 1 or Old Navy...or he'll randomly find this blog and murder me with a screw driver through the temple in my sleep. Great, now I can't ever go to sleep...

RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY

Now, I realize the circus might be a whole lot cooler and elaborate in my head...but it does promise to be "The Greatest Show on Earth," hell...it even says so in their logo. I haven't been to the circus in oh, I'd say twenty or some odd years, and I certainly have never been to a circus drunk off my ass...so tonight I will be gitty like a school girl in drunken delight at the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey "Circus of Dreams."

"Circus of Dreams," has a magical ring to it, don't you think...fuck I love magic, and dreams for that matter.

THE WALLS BETWEEN ART AND ENGINEERING EXIST ONLY IN OUR MINDS

"Theo Jansen, artist, studied science at the University of Delft Holland. The first seven years being a artist he just made paintings. Then he started a project with a big flying saucer, which could really fly. It flew over the town of Delft in 1980 and brought the people in the street and the police in commotion. Since about ten years he is occupied with the making of a new nature. Not pollen or seeds but plastic yellow tubes are used as the basic matierial of this new nature. He makes skeletons which are able to walk on the wind. Eventualy he wants to put these animals out in herds on the beaches, so they will live their own lives."

Modern Day DaVinci
Modern Day DaVinci

Yes, I know the link is on here twice...the second one is a snippet.

ENOUGH OF THE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

A dangerous threat is upon us- The Vampire Lobby.

Yes, vampires have become a powerful force in Washington, and their spindly, clawed fingers are increasingly finding their way into more and more matters of public policy. Daylight Saving Time is merely the issue upon which they have the tightest stranglehold.

The vampiric benefits to Daylight Saving Time are obvious. When clocks are changed in such a way that it becomes dark earlier, vampires are able to move about more freely with the general populace. Since this takes place during winter, a unwary public is less likely to notice the vampires' flowing cloaks and pallid complexion. And, of course, those who are unwary make easy pickings.

However, it is the extensions to Daylight Saving Time which demonstrate the true depth of the vampire influence in government. For most of its existence, DST operated on a simple six-month rotation. In the mid-80s, though, congress enacted legislation to extend it by two months. As a result, Daylight Saving Time now ends after Halloween, at a time when vampire awareness has all but vanished from the popular consciousness. Seriously, how many people are still thinking about vampires by November 3rd?

A cursory glance at the time zone map for Daylight Saving makes the vampire influence painfully obvious, as it is a haphazard miasma of shifting rules and regulations. Vampires themselves are renowned for their inconsistency, and it has served as one of their greatest advantages. Consider the fact that each time a new piece of vampire lore enters the mainstream, precious time is always spent explaining the rules for this particular breed of vampires- Some can walk around in daylight, other can't. Some are vulnerable to garlic, others not so much. Some can transmogrify into bats or wolves or mist, others are stuck in one pasty, vaguely eastern-European form. Some can be killed by a stake through the heart, but in other cases this tactic only works under certain conditions, like the stake must be wielded on a Tuesday by a virgin whose middle name is Charlotte who was born during the Chinese year of the Rat. This lack of uniformity makes vampire preparedness extremely difficult and is absolutely unacceptable. It's like having different strains of Ku Klux Klan to hate each minority. "Sorry, mac, we just hate the Catholics. If you want Jew-hatin' Klan, you gotta go to Tennessee."

It is high-time we stopped vampire interference in mortal affairs. Everything vampires touch gets corrupted and cheapened, whether it be our time-keeping system, or the wearing of capes (you're not fooling anyone, Superman), or even sex. Sex was great, and then vampires had to go and make it all creepy.

Well, I say "No More!" Write your congressional representative, and urge them to return Daylight Saving Time to a uniform standard six-month rotation.

BUTTER FACE & RACE

So I met my brother's new girl friend this weekend. Ugh...maybe she's nice, I don't know...but I defintely don't have anything nice to say about her.

Sunday there was an Alleycat Race jam pack full of fun. I worked a check point at the North Entrance to the Zoo. Suprisingly I didn't see my brother's new whore there, because apparently only fat, badly dressed people make it out to see the animals...but she's not fat, so maybe that's why she wasn't there. Badly dressed...yes.

But the race was fun to watch as always and the people watching is better than any movie. I think the next one I might actually race...maybe.

ONE PLEASE

E-Turn by Brodie Neill.

"...There is always room for new and progressive ideas, ideas that fuse current cultural aesthetics with the latest technical advancements. This is where my work sits - I like to challenge peoples notions of what furniture can be, furniture pieces do not need simply to be tools for living but can be exciting examples of what is possible..."

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

Alleycat Race. Starts in Tower Grove Park by the fountain. Registration is at 3, race is at 4. $5 to enter.

Be there...do it.

MOMMA'S BOY

Tonight will be my fourth sitting on my tattoo. I will be immortalizing my immediate family with a heart, rose and "mother" banner held by two swallows on my chest.

I am quite looking forward to it.