ENOUGH OF THE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

A dangerous threat is upon us- The Vampire Lobby.

Yes, vampires have become a powerful force in Washington, and their spindly, clawed fingers are increasingly finding their way into more and more matters of public policy. Daylight Saving Time is merely the issue upon which they have the tightest stranglehold.

The vampiric benefits to Daylight Saving Time are obvious. When clocks are changed in such a way that it becomes dark earlier, vampires are able to move about more freely with the general populace. Since this takes place during winter, a unwary public is less likely to notice the vampires' flowing cloaks and pallid complexion. And, of course, those who are unwary make easy pickings.

However, it is the extensions to Daylight Saving Time which demonstrate the true depth of the vampire influence in government. For most of its existence, DST operated on a simple six-month rotation. In the mid-80s, though, congress enacted legislation to extend it by two months. As a result, Daylight Saving Time now ends after Halloween, at a time when vampire awareness has all but vanished from the popular consciousness. Seriously, how many people are still thinking about vampires by November 3rd?

A cursory glance at the time zone map for Daylight Saving makes the vampire influence painfully obvious, as it is a haphazard miasma of shifting rules and regulations. Vampires themselves are renowned for their inconsistency, and it has served as one of their greatest advantages. Consider the fact that each time a new piece of vampire lore enters the mainstream, precious time is always spent explaining the rules for this particular breed of vampires- Some can walk around in daylight, other can't. Some are vulnerable to garlic, others not so much. Some can transmogrify into bats or wolves or mist, others are stuck in one pasty, vaguely eastern-European form. Some can be killed by a stake through the heart, but in other cases this tactic only works under certain conditions, like the stake must be wielded on a Tuesday by a virgin whose middle name is Charlotte who was born during the Chinese year of the Rat. This lack of uniformity makes vampire preparedness extremely difficult and is absolutely unacceptable. It's like having different strains of Ku Klux Klan to hate each minority. "Sorry, mac, we just hate the Catholics. If you want Jew-hatin' Klan, you gotta go to Tennessee."

It is high-time we stopped vampire interference in mortal affairs. Everything vampires touch gets corrupted and cheapened, whether it be our time-keeping system, or the wearing of capes (you're not fooling anyone, Superman), or even sex. Sex was great, and then vampires had to go and make it all creepy.

Well, I say "No More!" Write your congressional representative, and urge them to return Daylight Saving Time to a uniform standard six-month rotation.