HALLOWEEN

I will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.

THE FUTURE IS HERE

Wow, finally we can use futuristic technology in our own homes...just look at all those things mom will be able to make all lickety-split like. No more raw apples for us, only apples that have been covered in playground sand and bombarded with high powered rays. She’ll have loads more time to twirl around the kitchen with her cakes and pies now that she can actually bake them in a matter of seconds. Entire cuts of meat, no problem....juicy and delicious after a good zapping with this new fangled microthingy. At just under 400 dollars, you can’t beat that with a stick.

I wonder if they’ll ever invent something we can use to reheat the leftovers.

TURN THE REPEATER OFF

When passing by a stranger on the street, I find it best to acknowledge that the given person exists. This usually consists of a simple "whats up," "good morning" etc. And most people do seem to respond well to strangers prompting a courtesy hello...

What annoys me the most about some of these people though, is their seemingly uncontrollable urge to repeat your greeting..."Hey, how's it goin"...."Hey, how's it goin"...that sounds so fucking stupid...say fine, decent, good, hell even ignoring it would be better, but don't repeat something that isn't an answer in itself. Now I do acknowledge that repeating certain things is okay...though most of the time subpar. For example: "hey"..."hey" is okay, but "hey"..."morning" is better. Just saying.

THE ROAD BELONGS TO NO ONE

Apparently, once the sun goes down, people generally view cyclists as a shitty inconvenience and feel the need to find some random ass ways to fuck with them....well stop.

Be nice to people on bikes.

WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY

Interesting article from a magazine I subscribe to.

...Rage seems to be all the rage lately. Look around; it’s not difficult to conclude that the world is getting angrier and angrier. Our politics are angry, dominated by Bush-haters and Clinton-haters and even Nader-haters. Our popular music is angry, spiked with misogynistic rants and paranoid fantasies. Our highways run like rivers of anger. As Peter Wood points out in his book A Bee in the Mouth: Anger in America Now (Encounter, 2007), automakers are even making angrier-looking cars, with grills that seem to snarl at whatever gets in their way.

Are we really that angry? It’s not an easy question to answer. There simply aren’t a lot of practical ways to measure how pissed off people are. Judging by the space on the nation’s bookshelves taken up by books about anger, we seem to be living in a golden age of Wrath Lit. You can find books about the perils of anger, books about how anger can work for you, and books that relate personal battles with rage...

The whole article.

DISGUISE YOUR IDENTITY

And for everyone else who missed out on the toys from 1978, here is one of my personal favorites:

This is a puppet that you can disguise. I always wanted one...I still want one. Any toy that comes with a prosthetic nose and a kid-sized cigar is mighty fine by me.

THOROUGHLY ASHAMED

Last night was my bowling league....4...I bowled a fucking 4 in the first beer frame.

REIGN OVER ME

I had not heard of this movie. I had not seen a single preview for this movie. A buddy of mine let me borrow it, hyped it a little bit and left it I may or may not like it. This is probably one of the underrated movies of the year. Sure there are better movies, I'm just saying, this was a pleaseant surprise.

After glancing over the cover, personally, I did not expect that Adam Sandler could deliver a solid performance outside of comedy realm. Although his performance is in fact uneven at times, his co-star Don Cheadle is solid in his delivery of the decent New York dentist who in mid-life crisis seeking for his true purpose in life. There are funny and sad moments in this movie, all characters are carefully developed and one only wishes we could all have friends around us that are decent, loyal and caring, like the ones in this movie. That is what makes this feature almost fairy tale like - one does not expect people like that in NYC, so their humanity is very refreshing. Film is multilayered and it addresses the issues that we all face in our lives at one point: how do we deal with boredom, guilt, grief, depression? What is the best escape when repressing sadness and anger - atempt to reconnect with people who remind us of our youth and what we used to be, taking advanced photography lessons, or playing video games hours at the time... Marvelous casting, great music score picks, reality of NYC living with all its curiosity and drag at times.

Only qualm would be the slight 9/11 reference...but don't let it deter you, the film is deeper than that and doesn't rely on whether or not the towers were actually taken down by planes.

HELP ME

I'm far from an electrician...and I bet you are too, but probably smarter than I. Does anyone on this world wide web know how I would go about making this without electrocuting myself every time I brush my teeth.



I have a few ideas about how to go about it, but any help would be much appreciated. Thanks kids.

BALLS WERE KICKED

Kickball was this past Saturday...and a super fantastic time was had by all. You know, being a kid must have been really hard, because I am sore as all hell still today. And I am not above telling you all, my team dominated the field (despite the fact that I was picked last). I attribute our triumphant display to a fine mix of 30,000 beers, energy drinks, PB&J, bologna and brats. I even woke up the next morning with a mystery wound on my ankle...I'm guessing it came from when I fell out of the tree (ball got stuck), but really your guess is as good as mine. My head only slammed off of the ground once, which is better than twice I guess...but I did break up the double play.

So I think the next urban outing is going to be a campout in the middle of a grass lot somewhere downtown....I need to check a few legalities first. I think the only trouble we'll have is getting around some fire issues, but we'll see...I'll keep you posted.

POKED WITH SOME NEEDLES

I've been getting work done on a Sailor Jerry style half sleeve and chest plate. Tonight will be my third sitting, which is always exciting. My mom especially loves the topless pinup surrounded by roses...well maybe not so much, but she does like that I'll be getting a mom heart before its all said and done.

RAIN OR SHINE...BUT WE'VE GOT OUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR THE SHINE OPTION

KICKBALL. This Saturday kiddos...you won't want to miss the ass kickings I'll be handing out. And now you can't use the weather as an excuse, because its going to be a splendid day...

YOU LOOK GREAT

98.1 fire your over paid graphics guy...the gas cap is over Micheal McDonald's eye.



I want to know what ass hat of an art director proofed the wrap and said yep...this is the one...its pretty fucking sweet right, ratings are going through the roof with this stellar van. What....yeah, I know the angled pictures really set it off...those were my idea.

CHEESY BONO

Best thing ever...nacho cheese pump.
Worst thing ever...being tricked into being a backup wingman on a blind date that starts at Hooters and ends watching drunken assholes dance to a U2 cover band. Despite the self proclaimed Bono's three or four costume changes, (I think my favorite was the leather jacket with a giant 2004 on the right chest plate) the show was topped out with his strong urge to pose for pictures taken by giggling "fans."



I did indeed expose myself to the best and worst aspects of my life this past weekend. Thank god for nacho cheese pumps.

HOW EAGLES SOAR

This is a portion of an email chain started this afternoon. The request was simple....hey, let's meet, we'll ride bikes....that's it, apparently things aren't that simple. I recommend you start reading from the bottom up on this post from this point on....and away we go.

>>>>
Super slutty. Get to bloggin' Dbag

>>
I'm not denying any of this. I am a slut, and a hooker, and a pirate. Blog your faggy asses off about it

>>>
Smelly pirate hooker

>>>>>>
No. In your case you are a slut.

>>>>>>>
XXXXX That just screams of wishful thinking. I know it's hard for you to be the only gay one in the group. But we are all ok with your love of cock.

Really.

>>>>>>>>
Booya!

>>>>>>>>>>
Shoot....how bout.....tying some wieners together and baking them?


>
Did that last weekend

>>
While we are riding like eagles soar, I figure you turds could crochet rainbows.


>>
FAGS LIST:
XXXXX
XXXXX

>>>>
Kangaroo. But you have a long way to go before you can swim like a kangaroo in a space suit.

>>>>>
What's in between a turd and an eagle? I need to work my way up

>>>>>
Alright XXXXX, I've composed a turd list and an eagle list. It follows as so:

TURDS
XXXXX
XXXXX
XXXXX

EAGLES
XXXXX
XXXXX
So fellow eagle, let me know when you can ride. Turds, go fuck yourselves.

>>>>>>>
I am a turd of a new guy.

>>>>>>>
Dang.....you REALLY suck, new guy. We soar about as good as a couple of turds. I've used the word "turd" a lot today.

>>>>>>>>
I'm actually not sure if I can make it either. I've got a project I really have to get finished.

>>>>>>>>>
You do suck. I tell people that al the time.

>>>>>>>>>>
WOW, do i fucking suck! but I'm either going to be out of town or at XXXXX with the niece and nephew. I'm out either way. XXXXX, I got that lever thingy, but no brake yet. :) Does my mechanical knowledge of bike parts turn you on?

>>>>>>>>>>>
Like eagles soar XXXXX...do you know what that means....it means we will go whenever XXXXX allows.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
I don't know if I can go tht early saturday. LEt me see when XXXXX is going to the XXXXX.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
Saturday. Let’s ride the MRT. Plan on meeting at my place about X:XX.

XXXXX, you can have my(XXXXXs) brake if yours doesn’t come today..... No excuses kids, it’ll be nice....so let’s ride like eagles soar.

STITCHYMcYARNPANTS

In today’s exhibit, we’re proud to present something very special. We’re still waiting for the certificate of authentication, but are certain that the curator of the collection from whence it came is reputable. They had a feedback score of 3,472. That’s a Red Star, folks! But we can’t let a thing like paperwork or verification hold us back, so let’s respect the honor-bound sanctity of eBay and move ahead.




Behold this important transitional piece from late in the career of Georgia O’Keefe! Observe the contrasting colors as they dance sensually on a springy bed of deep forest green. The organic shapes seem to invite you inside to share their warmth and wonder. It’s simply astounding how she was able to transfer her vision from an inanimate canvas to a living one. From paint to yarn, the progression is as natural as her visual representations of the holiest of holey - the flower and the cow skull.

It’s amazing what you can do with crochet, isn’t it?

VIRGIN MARY THEMED URINALS

Found this on MocoLoco:

In Chongqing, a city of 31 million people in south-central China, they've had enough. Not content with the rudimentary squat units found everywhere in China, the city has pursued some innovative ideas that are meant to make the experience not just easier, but a little more fun.

First came round, open air urinals on the city's infamous "Foreigners Street," featuring tiny waist screens that left little to the imaginations of passers-by.

Then came news of outdoor sinks, pictured, that made the hand-washing experience, um, different.

Now comes news that the city has opened the world's largest restroom. The four-story, 1,000-stall facility features TVs, a soothing soundtrack piped throughout, crocodile- and Virgin Mary-themed urinals, and stalls with no roofs for those who prefer to relieve themselves al fresco. Says a local government official: We are spreading toilet culture.... After they use the bathroom [people] will be very, very happy."

You can't argue with that.

AH...THE LITTLE THINGS

This morning on my way to work, I rode by a parked cab. Cab company name...."A Best Taxi."

CIGARETTE BUM

There is this cigarette bum, one of many I know, but he trolls the area where I live about the same time every morning when I'm walking my dog. He knows I smoke, everyday...never fails, he asks for a cigarette. Everyday, never fails...I say no.

So today I'm out with my dog, and I didn't see him. I kind of thought to myself...hey this is gonna be a good day. Dog poops, I pick it up, everything is gravy so I take the dog back inside. I grab my bike and head out to work. Riding down the street I see this guy. I pass by him and have to be like thirty feet past this asshole when he yells "HEY...give me cigarette?" Not even a question, a straight up demand...

I obviously keep going, turn my head and flail my arms in the air...giving him the ol' are you fucking serious, you want me to turn around, get off my bike, get in my bag...just so I can give a stranger a cigarette headshake, coupled with a dirty look.

***Also, the Cigarette Bum wants you to play kickball...he says you won't want to miss the demonstration of awesomeness. See below.

SUPER WICKED AWESOME BEST KICKBALL GAME EVER PT II

Back by popular demand...and brought to you in part by A Dynamic Duo Productions....I bring you the most important event of your life....

I HEART WES

Last night after my ride, I went to Auto Zone to purchase my much needed car battery...being the engine fool I am, I let the cashier put it in for me. This always makes me feel very awkward watching the guy work while I sit on the curb smoking a cigarette...why, I'm not sure...maybe its the small talk, or maybe its the debate in my head whether or not to tip the guy even though you technically can't tip an hourly waged worker, or maybe its because I know he secretly hates me for not knowing how to put my own battery in (which I'm sure I could figure out, but really don't need to, if it keeps this guy busy). Whatever the case may be...thanks battery putter in guy.

After my brand new battery was put in, I decided I should spend some more money I don't have, and went to BestBuy for some movies. After countless times up and down the aisles, in between fat ladies and screaming kids, I ultimately ended up with two favorites I should have owned a long time ago...Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Once I got home, I threw the jumper cables back in the trunk and watched Life Aquatic. I'm sure you've all seen it, so I'll just make the one comment on it...the artificial worlds with stop-motion animation Wes creates are simply put...strange, weird and fantastic. Okay two...where did you come from? You look pregnant.

MISSOURI RIVER TRAIL

Saturday was a complete waste after Friday's adventures...so today, I decided to pick my lazy ass up off the couch and enjoy the day as it was meant to be enjoyed. I rode my bike. A buddy of mine and I had heard very little, but enough to be intrigued about the MRT...so we decided to ride it. Let me tell you...flat out the best fucking kept secret in the STL region ever. We started the ride in what looked like the begining of a b rated horror flick and quickly turned into coolest trail ever with murals, great views, industrial cool crap everywhere, rest stops....with actual people working them...and with snacks and water. After all is said and done, we rode to and across the Chain Rocks Bridge making our overall journey just under 30 miles. We even saw a fellow FBC member cruising the trail...which I might add was one of the few friendly people we encountered...its not that the other people were dicks, they just weren't very friendly and took themselves way too seriously. But I can assure you, I will now be on the trail every Sunday at the very least.


One of a few pics taken along the way, just to give you an idea of how far we rode...we started downtown.

Now go ride your bike.

GAS DON'T NEED NO BATTERY

A couple of days ago, a co-worker ran out of gas...which I mean, how could you not, there's no bright yellow light that makes noise at you to remind you of your neglectful ignorance...oh wait, there is. Anyway, dude runs out of gas, so myself along with some others push the thirsty dried up vehicle back into the parking lot, where it sits for a day or so. The next day, out of the kindness of my tender heart, I give the guy a ride to the gas station to fill up a little jug-o-gas. As I sit a the pump waiting for him to prepay, I decide...hey, I should turn the engine off, but I do like music...so I'll leave the battery on so I can rock while I wait. Well kids, this was not a good idea, let me tell you. Once we are all ready to go, my car decides it is definetly not...the battery died after two fucking minutes of sitting. So now there are two stranded vehicles, both with what the other needs. Mine with a can full of gas, needing a jump. His with the juice needing my gas. So I'll see you at Auto Zone this weekend...I'll be the asshat in line, getting a new battery.

BOWELS AND MICE OH MY

You know what sounds a lot like "I can't get my bowels to move?"..."I can't get my mouse to move..." as in my shit (no pun intended) stopped working because my wireless mouse ran out of batteries. Okay, so maybe they don't sound exactly alike, but when you hear it muffled throughout the office, its kinda hilarious.

CAN I GET EVERYONE IN HERE PLEASE

I just got out of a meeting with a possible new client. And by possible new client, I mean they are unwillingly being forced to shop for agencies and stopped by our office today to appease a higher up, when they know damnwell the business is not going to leave their current agency. Now I'm going to bet my bottom dollar, that my presence was perhaps the most pointless. The few people actually apart of and prepared for the meeting (me not included, nor should I be) give a tour of the agency and meet everyone "working hard" at their desks (which is me and three other people). Now this happened as soon as they got here. So they came to my desk, there was a song and dance, they quite obviously met me and they were on their way. Cool. Well 20 min into the meeting down in the conference room, I am summoned....summoned so they can reintroduce me as part of the creative team. Well no fucking shit, they just met me. So now the entire agency (literally I might add) is in this meeting, I have no idea what has been covered as they are beginning to wrap up, and I sit there with a blank stare for the remaining 20 minutes. Efficiency at its finest folks.

NEW MUSIC VENUE IN STL

To help promote, a much needed, new music venue there is an art show at the BLUEBIRD which promises to be a good time to be had by all.

A few buddies of mine have pieces in the show. Check the flyer below, its this Wednesday night.


Its downtown near Olive and Jefferson but be sure to MapQuest it, as its a little weird...not much signage and back entrance...just like LA, hip right?

CASINO QUEEN BUFFET

Its just about time for lunch, and I'm thinking that I will be spending it at the Casino Queen buffet. Not only does it have food from four regions of the world and a giant cake stand, but its great, because after tip its roughly $15 for a belly full of shiny meat. And that's not all...once I eat, I just mosey on over to the roulette table and lay down $15 to see if lunch was free. So far I have spend $90 on three lunches, but things are looking up today and I feel good.

You see, the trick is to eat $30 worth of crap and you win regardless. I know...its a fool proof plan. I'll probably be writing a book soon on robbing casinos of their food poisoned crap. You'll see it. It'll be on the best seller list.

LIPS SLEEP & TEES

The Flaming Lips show was fantastic on Friday. Despite being sold out, there was actually still a decent amount of space, so I wasn't shoulder to shoulder with the silver haired alien or the Evel Knievel look-alike when we were beaming Wayne in the face with our few of thousands of laser pointers. Needless to say, I left the show smiling. After the show, we ended up at Halo Bar for a few drinks where I randomly ran into my cousin and her boyfriend from out of town. After coaxing them to bar hop with us and sufficiently getting my cousin hammered, they ended up sleeping at my place where she proceeded to vomit. Luckily she likes to clean.

Saturday...I kind of wasted Saturday, but those were my intentions leading up to the day. After all, Wed was the FBC Mustache Ride, Thurs I had the RT party and Fri the Lips. So, I slept a lot. I'd put in a movie fall asleep until the menu screen looped two-thousand times and I'd angrily restart it. I did this over and over until the sun was no longer available for my pleasure. Before the day was done, I watched a fleet of movies: GoodFellas, American Beauty, Sketches of Frank Gehry, Cocaine Cowboys and You're Gonna Miss Me...I know, lame day...but I don't have cable and I really didn't feel like leaving the house.

Sunday, now Sunday I had plans. Unfortunately I didn't follow through with anything. I was supposed to get up and ride the River Trail. Which I've yet to do, and am regretful I didn't, because it was a gorgeous day. Instead, I pissed away most of the day, taking my dog on long walks to occupy my boredom. I really wanted to repeat Saturday's wild adventures, but I couldn't force myself to be worthless for such a span of time. So I ended up going to PointFest....now, I have to tell you...I didn't go to see any of the bands, in fact, I hate every band in the line up...even the ones I don't know. I went for egotistical reasons and because it was free. I designed the logo for PointFest and really just wanted to see a shit ton of knuckle dragging rockers wearing my tees. Which they were. Hooray. PointFest runs from something like 10am til 11pm and the PointFest shirt (which is just my big logo) sold out by 3 pm. Now if my dumbass would only have set myself up to get some money out of the deal...but that's another story I need to figure out. But, I am proud to say, in the 3 or so hours we were there, I managed to not only spend no money, but also to not see a single note played by any of the bands. When we got there, we headed straight to the Green Room for free booze. Once we were sufficiently buzzed, we decided to go to El Scorcho for a little night cap and some deliciouso (the o makes it Spanish) huevos rancheros.

Now, I don't know if it was the eggs or what the fuck, but I had some crazy ass dreams. Those of you who know me and my dream history, be on the look out if you have a living mother and two siblings aside from yourself.